Serbian

-Zašto im mašeš?

Nikad nisam. Sad mi je nekako došlo. Vidiš da mi par njih odmahuje nazad. Zar to nije lepo? Setio sam se da je jedna devojčica tako mahala putnicima u autobusu kada sam se vraćao kući. Samo čista dobronamernost.

-Da li se osećaš bolje?

Ne znam. Možda. Gledaj gde voziš. Znaš, teško je bilo da te zamislim za volanom. Zapravo, još uvek je teško.

-Pa ja ni ne vozim.

Da, tako je. Zar ne bi želela da se vratiš u detinjstvo? Da radiš tek tako stvari kako ti padnu napamet. Da mašeš putnicima bez nekog posebnog razloga. Da skakućeš po barama. Igraš se u izmišljenom svetu. Da se plašiš tate zato što je obrijao brkove. U sve izvan ovog. Izvan svoje odrasle glave.

Želeo bih da ne mislim o tebi i o milion stvari koje mogu krenuti naopako. O hiljadu raskrsnica na kojima sam skrenuo levo ili desno još uvek bez saznanja da li sam izabrao pravi put. Neizvesnost je naporna.

Neka porno glumica me je podsetila na tebe. Kosa, pokreti, ženstvenost. Kao da voli samu sebe ali na neki nenametljiv način. Kao ti. Sigurno se ne bi baš mnogo obradovala toj sličnosti, pa zato ni neću da ti kažem. Ali i ona je čovek. Valjda radi to što voli. Valjda ima takvih ljudi. Ne znam šta je ženstvenost. Možda si to ti.

Verovatno te više nikad neću videti.

Ovaj put je dugačak. Vidi ovaj bilbord: „Autoservis Mirko“ sa ovim tipom u odelu sa kravatom na sred slike. Ne znam. Ne odiše nekom automehaničarskom pouzdanošću. Odiše pouzdanošću da će 18-togodišnjakinji začiniti piće rufinolom. Pouzdani mehaničar bi trebalo da je do brade izmazan uljem, sa plavim kačketom koji je premali za njegovu glavu. Ne znam šta su automehaničari. Možda je to serijski silovatelj sa slike.

Znam da je sve ovo samo virtuelna stvarnost.

 

[09. Mart 2020.]

English

-Why are you waving at them?

I never did it before. It just came to me. A couple of them are waving back at me. Isn’t that nice? I remember this little girl who waved at the bus passengers when I was returning home once. Just pure benevolence.

-Do you feel better because of it?

I don’t know. Maybe. Watch the road. You know, it was kind of hard to imagine you behind the wheel. It still is.

-I’m not driving.

Yes, that’s right. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could return to your childhood? To just do things as soon as they pop into your head. To wave at passengers for no particular reason. To jump around in puddles. To play in an imaginary world. To be scared of your dad because he shaved his mustache. To dive into everything beyond this. Beyond your grown up head.

I’d like if I could just not think about you and millions of other things that can go wrong. About thousand crossroads on which I turned left or right without the feedback if I’ve taken the right road. Uncertainty is exhausting.

A porn actress reminds me of you. The hair, the movement, the femininity. It’s like she loves herself in some unobtrusive way. Like yourself. You probably wouldn’t be very happy with this comparison, so I just won’t tell you about it. But she’s still human. I guess that she likes what she does. I guess that there are people that do. I don’t know what is femininity. Maybe it’s you.

I probably won’t see you ever again.

This road is too long. Look at this billboard: “Service station Mirko” with the guy in a business suit and tie in the middle of the picture. I don’t know. He doesn’t give off an impression that he’s a reliable mechanic. He gives an impression that he’ll reliably spice up a girl’s drink with a dose of rohypnol. A reliable mechanic should be greased-up up to his chin, with a blue worker cap that’s too small for his head. I don’t know what’s a mechanic. Maybe it’s the serial rapist in that picture.

I only know what all of this is just virtual reality.

 

[9th March 2020]